For many, holidays are a chance to get together with the family. However, not everyone’s family is capable of making them feel comfortable. Even our closest relatives can be a little off-putting, especially if you haven’t connected with them for a long time. 

Family gatherings can be a pain. But here are some tips to soothe that pain when you next meet:

At family gatherings, especially in Asian families, you always find an aunty or two that want to pry deep into your personal life and bring up subjects you were hoping to avoid.

“When are you going to find a girlfriend?”, “will I get to hold a grandson before I leave this world?”, or my personal favourite: “How’s work? I told you being a writer isn’t going to pay well”, which hits extra hard.

What you need is answers to these questions, which avoid any follow-up questions or judgements. A common answer to relationship questions is to say you’re still focusing on work, or that you’re still looking for the right person. For work related questions, sometimes you just can’t explain it to your relatives. Maybe you can try finding some ways to justify your career path, or try the next tip:

When there’s dead air, unwanted attention follows. Try bringing some stories with you, so the table thinks you’re already contributing to the conversation.

Maybe you found a good restaurant they would be interested in, maybe a big news story that just came out, maybe you found a new way to save money. Just something that would get their attention and garner a response should be enough to save you.

If worse comes to worst, smile and nod. Ultimately, you just want to sit down and remember all the good times you have with your family, whether you are there through obligation or a genuine desire to see them. No matter the reason, there are times it’s best to just smile and nod. It’s a shortcut to a pleasant, peaceful dinner.

Some people find it harder to meet with their family than with strangers. If that’s you, here’s some positive reinforcement: you can do this. You can sit through that dinner session, and you will get back alive.

Personally, I almost never go to those family gatherings anymore. All my memories are full of relatives asking about my job, or my sexual identity. But as I’m writing this, I’m changing my mind about attending family dinner this Christmas. I want to cherish these moments with them, because I know my family won’t all be with me forever. I’ll follow my own advice, and come back alive and well.